parenthood

So I've been watching this little booger for about a month now. She's absolutely adorable and quite possibly the easiest baby around (although this morning 'easy' was not exactly a fitting word to describe her). It's been cool to see how different she looks from week to week, how much hair she's gotten, and how much more she'll eat (she went from 4 oz when I started to now taking 6 oz bottles at her afternoon feeding). 

Although she is not my child, I can see how easy it is to make a child the 100% focus of your entire world. She has to be carried everywhere, entertained, fed, changed, bathed... every moment must be considered with her needs in mind. If I want to take a walk or need to go somewhere, I have to time it around her feedings and make sure she is properly burped or she'll projectile vomit all over my car or swallow it (she does this. i don't know why.). 

This being said, if I were ready having children or had children I could so easily see myself getting wrapped up in routine and guidelines and schedule for the little one. I imagine the lengths that some women go through just to get pregnant and the time it takes some of them and wonder how I would respond if it were me. 

How do you not make parenthood or children or the need to care for someone an idol?

We plan on having children. I love children. But I will tell you that I definitely do not want them now. All my friends are doing the whole mushy 'I want a baby!' thing and I really just don't get it. None of us have been married for more than 2 years and although everyone's different, I personally enjoy not having to get up for 3 am and 5 am feedings, changing diapers, and abstaining from about a billion things just to house and feed a little person. I love being able to run over to a friend's house for dinner and not worry about either finding a babysitter or being concerned that my child is going to puke all over my friend's belongings or break something. 

I would suggest to anyone with 'baby fever' to borrow someone's infant for the day and then see how it goes. 

.....

This is my second attempt at publishing this post and I had written this whole additional thing about food and it  was deleted. So I quit. 

"let our faith be not alone"

"Let our faith be not alone, may our hearts be not of stone
Give us souls that never close, to the grace that you bestow
May our eyes be quick to see, you are here
you've come to rescue me"
- T. Johnson, R. Owens, R. Seay, T. Tjornhom

I've had a lot on my mind lately. Thinking a lot about a dear friend dealing with loss, weighing once seemingly weighty decisions (now so irrelevant), figuring out what it means for me to be happy... all-the-while forgetting that my worry, my attempts at planning or solving or organizing really is pointless.

God's grace allows me to be removed from all those things that flood my brain, leaving me restless and sleepless, and exhausted... even hopeless. Faith steps in to restore, revive, reassure. There's hope in my faith in Christ. So why is it so hard for me to live and daily- minute by minute- accept God's grace? He carries my burdens, our burdens... and all I have to do is have faith that he is always there to rescue me, every day, from the weight of my sin and the weight of my humanity, my mortality.

Isaiah 35 talks about how he takes what we have, who we are, how we are and he creates beauty from it. He promises to turn our mourning to singing, to be our strength in our weakness, to be hope for the hopeless. His promises never fail. He WILL restore. He will revive. And in His promises we should find assurance.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Hebrews 11:1

I hope that the Lord is glorified in me. I hope that the recognition of my struggle, almost inability, to truly accept God's grace brings him glory. What a lowly, weak, unimportant vessel I am. Still he chose me. So I will fight the fight, press on toward the end of this race, remembering God's grace meeting me EVERYWHERE, and my faith in who he is. 

My only happiness is in him. My only fulfillment is in him. My only hope is in him. 

long time, no write

Man, we have had a lot going on lately. I started a new job, Jeff went on a 4 day fishing trip, we've had date nights, dinner with friends, and making decisions and plans. Amidst all the business of 'normal' life, I've been a huge failure at remembering how blessed we are.

I was only jobless for 2 weeks. We didn't run out of money and didn't use hardly any of our savings. I have been writing a lot lately. I have spent some much needed time re-prioritizing and figuring out what I want and definitely what I DON'T want to do. I am married to a great man. He has a steady job. What a blessing to have a home and things and creative outlets and spouses. We are so grateful.

We have decided it's not time to move. Away, that is. Some doors were closed and others haven't yet opened. Other opportunities have presented themselves regarding my music and I am praying that God is opening a door for me to write/play/sing from here... at least for now. I found out that Daniel of Daniel Doss Band wants to do my song, Our God Will Come. It's sort of caused some frustration for me because I'm very territorial I guess. It's MY song. I wrote it. I meant it to be THIS way. Songwriting is my craft, my baby. I take it personally when someone wants to drastically change it. Daniel mentioned to my brother Kenny (he's their drummer) that he wanted to do the song but he had rewritten different verses for it. Initially it kind of made me panic because that's not exactly what I want to hear, but Kenny said he heard what Daniel had and wasn't a fan so I was ok after that. Anyway, so rewrote Our God Will Come... AGAIN. this is now version 4. I'm not doing it again! It is a good challenge though. Rewriting something over and over and still maintaining the original idea and purpose lyrically. There are only so many ways to say one thing. :)

Jeff & I are watching this show, Life. I think it's on Discovery but it's similar to the Earth series, but Life goes through different species of creature for each episode. Like the one we're watching is called Fish. It's freaking cool! Like the Japanese Mudfish. or the Sea Dragons. Super neat.

I had my first week with Olivia Warren last week. She is absolutely precious. I did learn that infant cries make me anxious. So hopefully next week she will be used to her bottle and will take it instead of being mad at me for trying to give it to her.

I need to start taking more photos. Jeff & I have been married almost a year and I've hardly taken any photos! I even bought a super cute scrapbook for our first year and haven't even started on it! My next post will be a photo post. Those are always fun. And I won't wait 2 weeks to do it either. :)

Isn't the weather AMAZING lately!? It kind of makes me want to sleep outside... even though I generally don't ever want to do that because of bugs and creepy things you can't see and only feel. blegh.... I'll take my bed thanks. I'll just crack the window.

Here's my list for this post- THINGS TO NEVER SKIMP ON JUST TO SAVE MONEY:

1. vanilla extract 

2. olive oil

3. hair product

4. bed linens 

(we spend a significant part of our days in bed and while this is a personal preference, nobody really wants to sleep in sheets that feel like tissue paper)

5. toilet paper 

(this is an exaggeration of what cheap toilet paper is like, but makes my point)

and for a bonus:

6.  computers! 

I'm a die hard Apple fan and while they are more expensive, 

you won't have to replace them every 2 years like you would a PC. Plus, Apple products are super streamline and so user-friendly. 

GOOD NIGHT!!!!

things I want to do

time for another list.

i want to...
- marry jeff... OH WAIT! I already did!! :)
- save more money
- experiment in the kitchen more
- travel more
- be more spontaneous
- be less of a control freak
- spend more time with our friends
- eat cake

jeff & i went home last saturday and while he spent the week on the lake, i cuddled with sophie and went to macy's. i got to get some insight from a very valuable resource and we had dinner with some old friends. it's always nice to go back to where you came from because, although i personally don't necessarily want to go back there permanently, it reminds you how much you love and appreciate it.

today is april 1 which means we are 3 months away from moving out. which means we have to decide what we're going to do. i don't really feel a strong pull toward one city more than the other, and i guess that's the frustrating part. i don't feel any direction. i want to move back to tyler less and move to nashville about the same. if we move, alyssa will just cry again... and i just can't bear that! (love you alyssa!) oh, the decisions adults have to make. blegh.

i am so grateful for the opportunities the Lord has provided for us. i know he will continue to provide and i am confident that he will guide and direct us to be where he wants us.

i love wine.

i love you.

In Christ Alone

In Christ Alone, my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My comforter, my all in all

Here in the love of Christ I stand...

- In Christ Alone, S. Townend & K. Getty

It's been a tough month or so. However challenging though, God's promises still remain. Christ truly is a solid ground beneath which my wobbly legs and unsteady feet can rest on. 

Romans 8:18-25

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. 

I'm sorry I typed all of that out. I know most of you are so familiar with that passage. We're called to suffer with Christ. How else could we experience such incredible grace? What happens to me here- not working, car breaking, illness, fear, whatever- is NOTHING compared to the promise of eternal life, the promise of a Father to his children. 

Romans 8:26-31

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings to deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

sigh.... such relief.
i talked to the warrens early last week and starting april 4 i'm going to be a baby nanny! i get to play with olivia part time so natalee can finish the school year. the Lord has been so good. there have been so many opportunities for me to work that have come up last minute and i am so grateful. it's been stressful a little but He has provided!

new google list:
IS......
1) lady gaga a man?
2) lady gaga a hermaphrodite?
3) the world going to end in 2012?
4) santa real?
5) khloe kardashian pregnant?

i think lady gaga sure looks mannish- besides her tiny little body. santa is not real and who cares if khloe kardashian is pregnant? sheesh...

jeff came home from work a couple weeks ago saying he did a google autocomplete search with "why is..." and the first thing that came up is "why is my poop green?" he laughed. i wanted to gag.

my aunt is getting married in november in cabo! my brother is graduating in nashville in may. i want to go to CA this summer for our anniversary... give me some money. :)

love you.

p.s. my bro got us a studio for when i'm there for $100 a day, which is usually the hourly rate for studios. get ready. buy my stuff on itunes when its done. ok? ok.

wedding, wine, and another week

welp, we married off another one. lindsey & ben's wedding was yesterday. it rained and it was a little chilly, but weddings are always beautiful no matter what the weather is like, am i right? i had fun with denise all weekend, pretty much. talking, drinking... ya' know. :)

i turned in my keys last week. i feel a little sad, but mostly relieved. and i'm only sad because i gave over a year of my life to grow that team and all i got was thrown under the bus and then found out no one really trusted me after all. that is why i am relieved. the Lord has funny ways of sanctifying his children. it was not only sanctifying but it really helped me refocus. as much as i liked working in salons the past 6 or something years, i really would rather be singing and playing and using all the skills, connections, and contacts i have to do what i love! not that i ever really forgot or anything, just made me realize how important it really is to me. it's more important than wasting another year of my life trying to make something a part of my life when it shouldn't be. more important than satisfying the stereotype and choosing an 'acceptable'  or 'real' profession.

for example, when i was little i wanted to be jodi benson when i grew up (when i grow up, hehe). jodi benson was (she might still be, i don't know) a voice actor for disney and sang christian children's music. she was ariel. once i realized ariel wasn't actually a real person, i decided that i wanted to sing all those super cool songs for princesses in disney movies. how sweet of a job is that?!

but when you're in public school and you're asked to write about what you want to do when you grow up and get a job, my choice of voice actor (i'm pretty sure i said ariel's voice) or singer was usually countered with something like, "what about being a teacher or a chef?" no wonder i have had crazy mad career identity crises over the past 2 years!

that's my rant. my parent's have always been supportive and loved that i love music so much. i do wish though that my first year at UNT they would've allowed me to work with that producer in nashville. then maybe i wouldn't have had to deal with the past 2 nightmare jobs i've had. BUT God's plan is perfect and whatever he wanted me to learn/deal with/overcome, he wanted me to do it there.


SURPRISE!!!! i have a new google predictive text list for you! this week's list begins with "how is..."
1. how is babby formed? (that is not a typo)
2. how is hiv transmitted? (how sad is it that this is a common google topic?)
3. how is the world going to end?
4. how is the duggar baby doing? (these people need to quit having kids)
5. how is glass made?

what did you want to be when you grew up?

overwhelmed

i'm sitting here at my table in my empty house, trying to write, and i came up with something (which of course is good and quite a regular thing again(!) ). i started playing trying to figure out what i was going to write lyrically with this pretty, simple melody.

i really wish blogspot would let you upload mp3s to your blog so you could here. i don't even know that you would understand.

but i was thinking about how God, creator of the universe, sees beauty in us. He looks at us and says, 'what a masterpiece' and smiles.

then it made me think of my husband, because i look at jeff and say 'wow, how perfect he is for me'. i look at him and see that God made a masterpiece, a hysterical, musical masterpiece. but not only that, he created him for me.

how overwhelming is it to know that our Creator, the creator of mountains, and oceans, and creatures that fly, and swim, and sunsets, and thunderstorms- he created a masterpiece in each of us! and how saddening is it that we never really see that about ourselves?

in my vows, i commented on the fact that God knew before i was created that i would be for jeff. i get that. i knew that for a long time. i guess i never felt the gravity of it?

you, friends, are a masterpiece created to be in my life and i am so grateful for that!
i love you.