parenthood

So I've been watching this little booger for about a month now. She's absolutely adorable and quite possibly the easiest baby around (although this morning 'easy' was not exactly a fitting word to describe her). It's been cool to see how different she looks from week to week, how much hair she's gotten, and how much more she'll eat (she went from 4 oz when I started to now taking 6 oz bottles at her afternoon feeding). 

Although she is not my child, I can see how easy it is to make a child the 100% focus of your entire world. She has to be carried everywhere, entertained, fed, changed, bathed... every moment must be considered with her needs in mind. If I want to take a walk or need to go somewhere, I have to time it around her feedings and make sure she is properly burped or she'll projectile vomit all over my car or swallow it (she does this. i don't know why.). 

This being said, if I were ready having children or had children I could so easily see myself getting wrapped up in routine and guidelines and schedule for the little one. I imagine the lengths that some women go through just to get pregnant and the time it takes some of them and wonder how I would respond if it were me. 

How do you not make parenthood or children or the need to care for someone an idol?

We plan on having children. I love children. But I will tell you that I definitely do not want them now. All my friends are doing the whole mushy 'I want a baby!' thing and I really just don't get it. None of us have been married for more than 2 years and although everyone's different, I personally enjoy not having to get up for 3 am and 5 am feedings, changing diapers, and abstaining from about a billion things just to house and feed a little person. I love being able to run over to a friend's house for dinner and not worry about either finding a babysitter or being concerned that my child is going to puke all over my friend's belongings or break something. 

I would suggest to anyone with 'baby fever' to borrow someone's infant for the day and then see how it goes. 

.....

This is my second attempt at publishing this post and I had written this whole additional thing about food and it  was deleted. So I quit. 

"let our faith be not alone"

"Let our faith be not alone, may our hearts be not of stone
Give us souls that never close, to the grace that you bestow
May our eyes be quick to see, you are here
you've come to rescue me"
- T. Johnson, R. Owens, R. Seay, T. Tjornhom

I've had a lot on my mind lately. Thinking a lot about a dear friend dealing with loss, weighing once seemingly weighty decisions (now so irrelevant), figuring out what it means for me to be happy... all-the-while forgetting that my worry, my attempts at planning or solving or organizing really is pointless.

God's grace allows me to be removed from all those things that flood my brain, leaving me restless and sleepless, and exhausted... even hopeless. Faith steps in to restore, revive, reassure. There's hope in my faith in Christ. So why is it so hard for me to live and daily- minute by minute- accept God's grace? He carries my burdens, our burdens... and all I have to do is have faith that he is always there to rescue me, every day, from the weight of my sin and the weight of my humanity, my mortality.

Isaiah 35 talks about how he takes what we have, who we are, how we are and he creates beauty from it. He promises to turn our mourning to singing, to be our strength in our weakness, to be hope for the hopeless. His promises never fail. He WILL restore. He will revive. And in His promises we should find assurance.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Hebrews 11:1

I hope that the Lord is glorified in me. I hope that the recognition of my struggle, almost inability, to truly accept God's grace brings him glory. What a lowly, weak, unimportant vessel I am. Still he chose me. So I will fight the fight, press on toward the end of this race, remembering God's grace meeting me EVERYWHERE, and my faith in who he is. 

My only happiness is in him. My only fulfillment is in him. My only hope is in him. 

long time, no write

Man, we have had a lot going on lately. I started a new job, Jeff went on a 4 day fishing trip, we've had date nights, dinner with friends, and making decisions and plans. Amidst all the business of 'normal' life, I've been a huge failure at remembering how blessed we are.

I was only jobless for 2 weeks. We didn't run out of money and didn't use hardly any of our savings. I have been writing a lot lately. I have spent some much needed time re-prioritizing and figuring out what I want and definitely what I DON'T want to do. I am married to a great man. He has a steady job. What a blessing to have a home and things and creative outlets and spouses. We are so grateful.

We have decided it's not time to move. Away, that is. Some doors were closed and others haven't yet opened. Other opportunities have presented themselves regarding my music and I am praying that God is opening a door for me to write/play/sing from here... at least for now. I found out that Daniel of Daniel Doss Band wants to do my song, Our God Will Come. It's sort of caused some frustration for me because I'm very territorial I guess. It's MY song. I wrote it. I meant it to be THIS way. Songwriting is my craft, my baby. I take it personally when someone wants to drastically change it. Daniel mentioned to my brother Kenny (he's their drummer) that he wanted to do the song but he had rewritten different verses for it. Initially it kind of made me panic because that's not exactly what I want to hear, but Kenny said he heard what Daniel had and wasn't a fan so I was ok after that. Anyway, so rewrote Our God Will Come... AGAIN. this is now version 4. I'm not doing it again! It is a good challenge though. Rewriting something over and over and still maintaining the original idea and purpose lyrically. There are only so many ways to say one thing. :)

Jeff & I are watching this show, Life. I think it's on Discovery but it's similar to the Earth series, but Life goes through different species of creature for each episode. Like the one we're watching is called Fish. It's freaking cool! Like the Japanese Mudfish. or the Sea Dragons. Super neat.

I had my first week with Olivia Warren last week. She is absolutely precious. I did learn that infant cries make me anxious. So hopefully next week she will be used to her bottle and will take it instead of being mad at me for trying to give it to her.

I need to start taking more photos. Jeff & I have been married almost a year and I've hardly taken any photos! I even bought a super cute scrapbook for our first year and haven't even started on it! My next post will be a photo post. Those are always fun. And I won't wait 2 weeks to do it either. :)

Isn't the weather AMAZING lately!? It kind of makes me want to sleep outside... even though I generally don't ever want to do that because of bugs and creepy things you can't see and only feel. blegh.... I'll take my bed thanks. I'll just crack the window.

Here's my list for this post- THINGS TO NEVER SKIMP ON JUST TO SAVE MONEY:

1. vanilla extract 

2. olive oil

3. hair product

4. bed linens 

(we spend a significant part of our days in bed and while this is a personal preference, nobody really wants to sleep in sheets that feel like tissue paper)

5. toilet paper 

(this is an exaggeration of what cheap toilet paper is like, but makes my point)

and for a bonus:

6.  computers! 

I'm a die hard Apple fan and while they are more expensive, 

you won't have to replace them every 2 years like you would a PC. Plus, Apple products are super streamline and so user-friendly. 

GOOD NIGHT!!!!

things I want to do

time for another list.

i want to...
- marry jeff... OH WAIT! I already did!! :)
- save more money
- experiment in the kitchen more
- travel more
- be more spontaneous
- be less of a control freak
- spend more time with our friends
- eat cake

jeff & i went home last saturday and while he spent the week on the lake, i cuddled with sophie and went to macy's. i got to get some insight from a very valuable resource and we had dinner with some old friends. it's always nice to go back to where you came from because, although i personally don't necessarily want to go back there permanently, it reminds you how much you love and appreciate it.

today is april 1 which means we are 3 months away from moving out. which means we have to decide what we're going to do. i don't really feel a strong pull toward one city more than the other, and i guess that's the frustrating part. i don't feel any direction. i want to move back to tyler less and move to nashville about the same. if we move, alyssa will just cry again... and i just can't bear that! (love you alyssa!) oh, the decisions adults have to make. blegh.

i am so grateful for the opportunities the Lord has provided for us. i know he will continue to provide and i am confident that he will guide and direct us to be where he wants us.

i love wine.

i love you.